Hug Your Way to an Independent Child

“Mama! Mama! Mama! Mama!” is about the way a few hours of every day goes for me with my 17 month old. She insistently calls for me and wants to be held, hugged and paid attention to. So, we read books, sing together, cuddle, and ~~sometimes~~ often times I find myself completing tasks with one hand while she’s happily perched on my hip.

But, like many moms, I put up with it and try to enjoy it as much as I can. She’ll only be this little so long. I know that it’s only a matter of time before she becomes more independent.

My nearly four-year-old on the other hand is quite independent. He likes the occasional snuggle and asks to be played with from time to time. But, most of the time he can be found happily digging with his trucks in the dirt, coloring pictures beside me while I work or making up an intricate story line with a few model dinosaurs. He also likes to help wash dishes and hang up laundry or page through a book.

As a baby and toddler, my son was similar to my daughter. He was attached to me or his father at most times. While he enjoyed wandering off on his own to play for a while, he was more often than not like velcro.

That’s my real life experience that shows me that being close and connected leads to independence. But, there’s more to it than one mom’s journey.

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Why “Good Job!” Doesn’t Cut It: A Montessori Perspective On Praise

First of all, who doesn’t say “good job!” to their kids? It’s a catch-all sort of praise that you can easily blurt out while you’re also skimming the news, chopping vegetables or peeking out of the bathroom to watch your child do some sort of jumpy twirly move that he’s obviously very proud of. Yet, praise can do so much more than prove that you’re watching what your child does. How?

Use Descriptive Praise

Rather than evaluating our children and defining their whole worth around one task or action, why not describe the positive behavior and encourage them? This is called descriptive praise.

A comparison of evaluative and descriptive praise helps clarify:

Evaluative Praise	Descriptive Praise
“Good boy!”	“Thank you for helping me. We finished cleaning quickly between the two of us.”
“What a fantastic drawing!”	“You worked very hard on that drawing. I like the colors you picked.”
“Good job!”	“Wow, I didn’t know you could hop on one foot. That takes a lot of balance!”

In the left hand column, evaluative praise is used. Here, you can see how the words determine whether the child has done something “good” or “bad.” There is judgement in these phrases. Especially with “good girl!” and “good boy!”, the child as a whole is evaluated for one single action.

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A Lighthearted Look at the Status of My Parenting Adventures

Some days I’m a frazzled mess. I share more similarities with the street cat that frequents our garden space than a human being. Maybe it’s because the five people I spend the most time with are my kids, husband, that annoying cat and a cricket.

Parenting Is Tough

Sometimes it’s challenging to spend all your time with consuming little beings. All of the “I want, I need” all day and all night is exhausting. Does this mean I should seek out better people so that I can become an average of 5 great people instead of letting the little ones drag me down? Assuming that great people always lift you up, don’t make you angry, tired or discouraged is nonsense.

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Guaranteed No Tears At Mealtime

“Ok hunny, I’ll pop some chicken nuggets in the toaster for you,” said none of our great-grandparents ever.

Don’t you think some of the troubles little ones have with eating and mealtime are really due to society’s recent trend towards using processed foods? The convenience of popping some chicken nuggets in the microwave or grabbing some crackers for the toddler is a relatively new reality. And no parent wants to see their child go hungry, so it’s no wonder our children demand an alternative to lentil stew. We give in because we can. There are easy alternatives calling from the kitchen “hellooooo…anyone want some crackers?”

But, by giving in and allowing these alternatives, we’re creating picky eaters that are on a path towards leading an unhealthy lifestyle.

So, how, you ask, do you avoid the tears at mealtime? How do you navigate the refusal to try a bite of green beans?

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Are You Undermining Yourself as a Parent?

“Peanut, time to stop watching videos!”

“No, not yet”

“Yes, finish that one and you’re done.”

A few minutes later…”Peanut, it’s done now, come on.”

It’s like the rumbling of a volcano that’s about to erupt and before I know it I’m grabbing the smartphone from the clutches of a furious green monster who also happens to be my little angel.

Most parents know this story. But, had I let him continue watching, I would be in much worse shape. He would always pull out the furious green monster on me, wondering if it would work to get anything he wants. Thankfully, that’s not the case.

How often are we convinced and manipulated by our kids’ whining insistence? I notice that it happens to a lot of parents and I’m guilty of it at times. When we do this, we undermine ourselves as parents. Giving in without undergoing a negotiation process means that our kids know our weak points and push outside the limits we’ve set for them. And they’re kids, they’ll keep pushing to find out where the boundaries are.

Don’t undermine yourself. Stick to your word. It will make each subsequent experience much, much easier! This doesn’t mean you have to have a totalitarian dictatorship in your home.

There’s a fine line between fair negotiations, where you take into account your child’s feelings and ideas, and permissiveness where you allow your child to run free with absolutely no boundaries. I personally think negotiating is great. It teaches communication and gives you a great opportunity to model empathy.

Here are some rules that help me walk the line between fair negotiations and permissiveness:

1. Ask Nicely

Kids can learn to ask for things nicely. If little Peanut doesn’t say “please” and use a reasonable tone of voice, there’s no negotiating. I do my best to speak respectfully to him, why shouldn’t I expect him to do the same with me? Of course, you have to be careful not to fall into the trap of saying “yes” to everything that’s requested nicely – it’s simply not possible. But, for the most part, “please” and a nice tone of voice can change my mind about coming to an agreement.

2. Is This Round 2?

Have Peanut and I already made an agreement? If so, I stick to it. In the example of watching videos, if we’ve agreed on one more, and after that one he wants to negotiate another one, it’s a no go. Holding my word is important to me – it makes things predictable and he knows that I mean what I say. Otherwise, he’ll constantly be second guessing. So, there’s only one round of negotiating for any request.

3. Is it Safe?

It’s easier to explain your answers when you have a good reason to support them.

“Can I have ice cream for breakfast?”

“No, it’s not good for your body to have only ice cream for breakfast. Let’s have some eggs and toast, and later we’ll have some ice cream.”

Although my 3-year-old may not appreciate it now, it will eventually sink in that health is important. Or,

“Can I watch movies all day?”

“No, it’s ok to watch videos sometimes, but it’s bad for your brain and body to do that all day.”

Rather than using my authoritarian “no,” I give him a real, grown-up reason. I think he deserves to know why I say “no,” even if it’s just “I don’t like it and it’s too loud for me right now.”

How do you balance between sticking to boundaries and taking your child’s feelings and needs into consideration?

Why and How To Promote Independence in Your Child

Most people talk about all of the wonderful benefits of independence in young children, focusing on their increased self-esteem, fine motor control and sense of responsibility. But there are two sides to this one. The more your kids can do on their own, the better it is for you.

Every mother (and father) has been caught in a situation where two children need her attention at once. And sometimes, one’s screaming for a cup of water while the other one has a more serious emergency, resulting in your hands being wrist-deep in doo-doo. Not very sanitary for getting that cup of water for a while anyway. Unless…your older child can get the water. All by herself.

We ended up with some easy solutions around our house that have saved me from a meltdown more than once. Some of these solutions were intentional, and others have been purely accidental.

Self-Serve

Kids can handle some self-serve drinks and snacks. For instance, water. I have a big basket where I put re-usable plastics like little yogurt cups, cream cheese tubs, old water bottles, you know. It just so happens to be sitting right next to our water filter, which is basically a 5 gallon bucket with a plastic spigot. My son, due to the convenience, has really taken to grabbing a yogurt cup and getting water on his own. He used to be too small to reach, but just at the age where he no longer thinks its funny to throw water everywhere – oh who am I kidding, he still enjoys that sometimes – he had become just tall enough to be able to get water on his own. This was also conveniently at about the same time my daughter was born. One less thing for us to do for our son. Score!

Wash on Your Own

Our sink is another example. We use an easy step stool for our son to be able to access the sink and get water to wash up when he needs to. It’s so nice to know that he can take care of all of his bathroom and hand-washing needs on his own without our help.

Arts and Crafts

When little peanut wants to color, cut or draw, he doesn’t need to ask for help. All of his art supplies are at his level, ready to be used. He knows where he can color and how to use the scissors on his own. When he’s finished, well, that brings me to the next point…

Clean Up

I’m a firm believer in kids cleaning up after themselves without making a fuss. Accidents happen. Paints and juice spill, crumbs get dropped on the floor…no biggy. So when little peanut cuts up paper into tiny pieces all over the floor, he knows where to find a small broom and dustpan so that he can sweep up on his own. We keep a few rags and towels hanging on our oven door so that he can grab them to clean up spills. This is independence at its best. He knows how to handle mistakes and be responsible.

So yes, through practicing independence, he’s developing great skills – and setting a stellar example for his little sister, but he’s also helping us out. We’re always there to step in if there’s something he can’t handle, but it sure takes a load off our backs knowing he can handle so many things on his own. This is by no means an exhaustive list – there are many more things that little peanut can do all by himself. And I’m so glad he can, for his sake, and mine!

Why do you appreciate your child’s independence?

***Got a little TOO much independence going on? Learn how to hold your ground as a parent!

photo credit: NickNguyen Wash those hands! via Photopin License

Me Time

I’ve been staring at my old running shoes for a few months now, but I must confess: they were being mean to me ok? They were making fun of me. They said things like “You don’t have time to run” and “Keep sleeping lazy lady” and stuff like that. Can you believe it?

Then, they laughed even harder when my husband would put them on to walk around town and run errands. “Hahaha,” they said. “See if you’ll ever wear us again.”

You see, I had intentions of setting them straight and putting them on and heading out for a jog – even a 15 minute one, but I let them get the best of me.

I kept excusing myself every time my 1 year old would have a cold or a rough night, thinking, tomorrow morning I’ll go for a run. I even tried skipping an afternoon shower thinking that it would give me incentive to run, and then shower the next morning. I got a little grubby for a day or two, but never made it out.

But, I have news for you. I’ve kicked those running shoes into submission and last week I took them out for a short run. And then I did it again this morning.

And you know what?

It’s true what they say about taking a little bit of time for yourself and exercising. It puts you in a better mood than a huge bar of dark chocolate. Ok, maybe it only rivals that, but it’s pretty stinking good.

So, if you want to improve your mood, and through that your parenting, and your productivity too…and it just improves everything really…then take time for you. I encourage every parent to carve out this golden time.

I call it my “me time.”

It restores my sense of self as a person apart from my titles of mother and wife. There’s no one tugging at me or asking for anything. I’m not working, and I’m not cooking. I’m just doing something I enjoy. Even 30 minutes a few mornings a week is enough to make a difference. It might take a bit for you to get going – but once you do, you’ll have started something you won’t want to stop. I know I don’t.

The Online Parenting Advice Mill – Jump On or Hop Off?

by Rachel Peachey

I’m always intrigued by parenting blogs. All of those titles and quizzes that promise to tell me if I’m a “cool” mom or not grab me. I know I’ll be had – obviously my entire worth as a mother can’t be condensed into a 5 minute test. Yet, curiosity often gets the best of me. I think part of it is a procrastination strategy and part of it is wondering what “cool” moms do. Would the author think I’m cool?

I read a blog once, if I remembered who or where I would love to give her credit, but it really struck me. It said something about how it used to be that moms (and dads) used to think we did a pretty good job as parents. In years past, moms would ask their moms for advice about parenting and all that it entails. Before pulling up google to find a potty-training schedule or tantrum solution, they’d run to their offspring’s grandmother to get the down low on how to handle any number of situations.

So, I let that sit with me for a bit. It’s an interesting point – when did we lose confidence in our family’s knowledge that’s been passed down for generations and decide to turn to any stranger online to give us advice about our families?

Living in Guatemala, I get a unique perspective. Here, there isn’t as much access to technology and the average mom doesn’t look up every anxiety causing parent issue online. There seems to be less anxiety about parenting at all, actually, because most people assume they’re doing alright. On the other hand, I have gotten a greater understanding for why moms may have stopped trusting their mothers as the dispensers of parental wisdom.

I have received plenty of helpful and useful advice about parenting from my husband’s family and particularly from my mother in law. She helped me learn to carry my baby in a reboso, walked me through my first breastfeeding session, even gave me advice about child birth, directed me on the best foods to feed my son first and much more. All of that worked out great. Yet, there are some other pieces of advice I thought about twice before implementing.

For example, many people here believe you should give babies who are starting solids a spoonful of olive oil every 2 or 3 days (to make sure nothing gets stuck in their intestines). Ok, probably not really harmful, but kind of strange. Mothers must also wrap their abdomen for 30 days after giving birth. Another common practice is to wrap the baby in 2 or more blankets, even in the midday sun. Oh – and don’t think about holding your newborn in a vertical position. Their soft-spot will sink irreparably (unless you suck it back out with your mouth) and cause damage. The baby must be 3 months old before this is safe.

This is the sort of advice that makes me think – well, yes, if my mother were giving me this sort of advice, I’d want to find some other sources to learn about parenting. It’s clear that by searching out advice online, mothers are only looking out for their children’s best interest. We look because we care.

Can we over-care?

I think we can. Our own lack of confidence is harmful for ourselves and children. A reasonable amount of research can provide helpful insights into our children, their behaviors, their development and their needs. But, a critical eye is needed and some limits must be set. Reading about other mom’s experiences is valuable and provides us with a wonderful connection, a feeling that “I’m not the only one!” But, our kids are different. What worked for other moms might not be best for my kids. We live in different places, come from different backgrounds and have different needs.

When I get drawn into blogs and articles about parenting, I try to take the advice and suggestions with a grain of salt. I take what I think might work and leave the rest. Sometimes I look for research and science, sometimes I look for a way to follow instincts. And, I’ve learned to give myself some credit and have confidence in myself as a mother. We beat ourselves up too much. In reality, we’re probably all doing a great job.

Oh – and every now and then I bounce ideas off my own mom. After all, she is also an expert even if she doesn’t have a blog.