5 Unconventional Parenting Hacks That Keep Me Sane

There are so many parenting hacks out there, but not all of them are mainstream. Each parent finds their own unique ways (or parenting hacks) of dealing with the joys and challenges of parenting. Some of mine are on the wacky side – I’d definitely say some of them are unconventional…but they also keep me sane (well, most of the time, anyway). These are the parenting hacks I notice others occasionally give me a raised eyebrow about…but hey, to each their own and I’m glad to say that I’ve found what works for me. Here they are:

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How to Make Positive Reinforcement Helpful: A Montessori Perspective

Positive reinforcement is a popular parenting technique. Basically it means parents and caregivers praise good behavior. This way, children are motivated to continue their good behavior due to the positive attention they’ve received. Positive reinforcement can also include sticker charts and other similar incentives. All sounds good, right?

Yes and no.

Positive reinforcement can be very helpful for children. It can help them learn that good behavior is appreciated and that their efforts pay off. But, it can also turn into a big happy praise fest that teaches your child that they are the BEST, in the worst cases resulting in narcissism.

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How to Stop Hitting, Biting, Kicking and Throwing: Practical Techniques for Teaching Little Ones How to Handle BIG Feelings

First of all, relax. If you want to know how to stop hitting, biting, kicking, etc. you’re on the right track.

Second of all, it’s highly likely your precious little one WILL stop hitting, biting, kicking and throwing soon. As a very wise school counselor once pointed out to me, “How many adults do you know that hit and bite?” So, yes, there will be an end to this.

Third, know you’re not alone. All experts seem to agree that hitting and biting are common in young children. Although it can be tiring and frustrating to deal with, it is relatively normal.

But…there’s always a but…

What will also happen is that your child will learn other coping mechanisms for dealing with big feelings. One big factor that will help your child leave these behaviors behind is improvement in their ability to communicate. Language is often a point of frustration for little ones who can’t say what they feel or what they want. As language skills improve, so does behavior.

It’s also likely that your child will adopt a coping mechanism learned from you or other influential adults in their life. Some common coping mechanisms for big feelings such as anger, fear and frustration include:

Bottling it up (which can often result in a tummy-ache, stress, headaches, etc.)
Aggressive behaviors such as yelling
Positive outlets for feelings such as taking deep breathes, exercising, etc.

I think most people would opt for teaching their child positive outlets for anger, fear and frustration, but maybe you’re not sure how to do this. Luckily, teaching these techniques goes hand in hand with eliminating hitting, biting, kicking and throwing things.

Now, let’s discuss those techniques for teaching your little one how to stop hitting and handle strong feelings:

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If I Shouldn’t Say “Good Job”, What Should I Say?

Our children want to show us everything they can do, from doing a crazy jump off the curb to tracing their letters, getting an “A” at school, completing a beautiful drawing and more. They want to be seen. And we want them to feel great! Unfortunately, too often, we get stuck in a rut of saying “good job!” which sounds great in the moment but can create problems if you use this popular phrase too often.

Saying “good job!” is a form of evaluative praise, which means children’s actions are judged as good or bad. This can be damaging to your children and even result in narcissism!

But, most people are so used to saying “good job!” or a similar form of extra positive “woohoo!” response to their kids that you may start to wonder…what should I say? Don’t worry, helpful answers are on the way.

The alternative to evaluative praise like “good job” is descriptive praise (learn more about it here!). The short version is that descriptive praise, well “describes” what your child has done rather than evaluating the action. This means when you’re 4-year-old says “Look at me! I can jump up to the sky!” you say “You’re right, you are jumping so high!” instead of “good job!”.

Yes, it’s hard to get in the habit of using it. After all, most of us grew up with parents, teachers and other family members who enjoyed praising our every move. For others, it’s the opposite. Maybe there was a lot of negativity growing up and now you’re making the effort to be extra positive with your kids, but don’t want to go overboard. The thing is, old habits are hard to break. So, I’ve come up with some guidelines for using descriptive praise and a list of alternatives to “good job” so that you’re no longer fumbling for what to say.

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Why “Good Job!” Doesn’t Cut It: A Montessori Perspective On Praise

First of all, who doesn’t say “good job!” to their kids? It’s a catch-all sort of praise that you can easily blurt out while you’re also skimming the news, chopping vegetables or peeking out of the bathroom to watch your child do some sort of jumpy twirly move that he’s obviously very proud of. Yet, praise can do so much more than prove that you’re watching what your child does. How?

Use Descriptive Praise

Rather than evaluating our children and defining their whole worth around one task or action, why not describe the positive behavior and encourage them? This is called descriptive praise.

A comparison of evaluative and descriptive praise helps clarify:

Evaluative Praise	Descriptive Praise
“Good boy!”	“Thank you for helping me. We finished cleaning quickly between the two of us.”
“What a fantastic drawing!”	“You worked very hard on that drawing. I like the colors you picked.”
“Good job!”	“Wow, I didn’t know you could hop on one foot. That takes a lot of balance!”

In the left hand column, evaluative praise is used. Here, you can see how the words determine whether the child has done something “good” or “bad.” There is judgement in these phrases. Especially with “good girl!” and “good boy!”, the child as a whole is evaluated for one single action.

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Guaranteed No Tears At Mealtime

“Ok hunny, I’ll pop some chicken nuggets in the toaster for you,” said none of our great-grandparents ever.

Don’t you think some of the troubles little ones have with eating and mealtime are really due to society’s recent trend towards using processed foods? The convenience of popping some chicken nuggets in the microwave or grabbing some crackers for the toddler is a relatively new reality. And no parent wants to see their child go hungry, so it’s no wonder our children demand an alternative to lentil stew. We give in because we can. There are easy alternatives calling from the kitchen “hellooooo…anyone want some crackers?”

But, by giving in and allowing these alternatives, we’re creating picky eaters that are on a path towards leading an unhealthy lifestyle.

So, how, you ask, do you avoid the tears at mealtime? How do you navigate the refusal to try a bite of green beans?

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The 3 Golden Rules for Saying “No” to Your Child

So many parents struggle with setting limits. The simple act of saying “no” can seem exhausting because you must usually repeat it about 50 gazillion times. And then there’s the not listening. Here are my three golden rules for how to say “no” and mean it:

1. Don’t Say “No”

Counter-intuitive right? I’m not kidding though. The funny thing is that the youngest of children seem to hear “yes” when you say “no”. And it isn’t because their hearing is off.

For this reason, Dr. Maria Montessori believed that positive language should be used when talking to children. If you’re wondering what that means, basically it means saying “Walk, please” instead of “Don’t run!” So, you’re still saying “no”, but they’re not hearing the “run” part which is exactly what they’ll want to keep doing.

2. Set a Limit You’ll Keep

Lately with my little peanut, our limit is counting to 10. He’s got 10 seconds to take care of the problem on his own, or I’ll help him do it. Examples?

“Play gently with your sister…or I’ll help you play somewhere else.” Whack! There goes the stuffed animal again right in her face. “Ten seconds, pumpkin or we’ll move somewhere else.”
“Put the riding toy away now, it’s too loud.” He continues to ride. “You have 10 seconds to put it away by yourself or I will help you…1…2…3…”

Obviously counting to 10 doesn’t work for everything. So, I often use another strategy that equally sets a limit. For this one, it’s often due to a case of whiny “if I continue to badger mama she’ll eventually give in and it’s because I really want some candy or ice cream and I’m probably a little bit tired so I can’t think of anything else to do and I wanna whiiiiiiine.” Sound familiar? For THOSE situations I break out this fantastic answer:

“I’m all done answering that question. You heard me.”

Then, I zip it and don’t respond to the issue anymore. If peanut has a fit after that, it’s up to him.

Following a fit or tantrum, I try to connect with him in a positive way. For example, find something to laugh about together, offer to read a book or do some art.

Now, the secret to this second limit-setting rule is that you HAVE to keep your promise. So, a consequence of throwing your kid out the window, not an option. But, if you threaten to remove TV privileges, you’d better follow through.

However, the best options are directly related to the behavior. With young children, you can often gently help them comply. With older children, sometimes a fair warning about potential natural consequences, and then letting these happen, is the best medicine. For example, not helping with laundry could result in running out of clothes to wear. Or, having a messy room could result in losing things.

3. Say Why

Kids want to know why. Although they might not agree with you in the moment, knowing why you’re saying “no” can help them learn. Perhaps you’re saying “no” because what your child is doing isn’t safe. Or, perhaps it isn’t healthy. Explaining why the answer is “no” can sometimes help.

These are my golden rules for saying “no”, or getting that message across anyway, to my kids. What are yours?

Need more ideas on how to hold your ground? Read my post about how to avoid undermining yourself as a parent.

Photo Credit: photo “I’m seeing you!” via photopin license

Are You Undermining Yourself as a Parent?

“Peanut, time to stop watching videos!”

“No, not yet”

“Yes, finish that one and you’re done.”

A few minutes later…”Peanut, it’s done now, come on.”

It’s like the rumbling of a volcano that’s about to erupt and before I know it I’m grabbing the smartphone from the clutches of a furious green monster who also happens to be my little angel.

Most parents know this story. But, had I let him continue watching, I would be in much worse shape. He would always pull out the furious green monster on me, wondering if it would work to get anything he wants. Thankfully, that’s not the case.

How often are we convinced and manipulated by our kids’ whining insistence? I notice that it happens to a lot of parents and I’m guilty of it at times. When we do this, we undermine ourselves as parents. Giving in without undergoing a negotiation process means that our kids know our weak points and push outside the limits we’ve set for them. And they’re kids, they’ll keep pushing to find out where the boundaries are.

Don’t undermine yourself. Stick to your word. It will make each subsequent experience much, much easier! This doesn’t mean you have to have a totalitarian dictatorship in your home.

There’s a fine line between fair negotiations, where you take into account your child’s feelings and ideas, and permissiveness where you allow your child to run free with absolutely no boundaries. I personally think negotiating is great. It teaches communication and gives you a great opportunity to model empathy.

Here are some rules that help me walk the line between fair negotiations and permissiveness:

1. Ask Nicely

Kids can learn to ask for things nicely. If little Peanut doesn’t say “please” and use a reasonable tone of voice, there’s no negotiating. I do my best to speak respectfully to him, why shouldn’t I expect him to do the same with me? Of course, you have to be careful not to fall into the trap of saying “yes” to everything that’s requested nicely – it’s simply not possible. But, for the most part, “please” and a nice tone of voice can change my mind about coming to an agreement.

2. Is This Round 2?

Have Peanut and I already made an agreement? If so, I stick to it. In the example of watching videos, if we’ve agreed on one more, and after that one he wants to negotiate another one, it’s a no go. Holding my word is important to me – it makes things predictable and he knows that I mean what I say. Otherwise, he’ll constantly be second guessing. So, there’s only one round of negotiating for any request.

3. Is it Safe?

It’s easier to explain your answers when you have a good reason to support them.

“Can I have ice cream for breakfast?”

“No, it’s not good for your body to have only ice cream for breakfast. Let’s have some eggs and toast, and later we’ll have some ice cream.”

Although my 3-year-old may not appreciate it now, it will eventually sink in that health is important. Or,

“Can I watch movies all day?”

“No, it’s ok to watch videos sometimes, but it’s bad for your brain and body to do that all day.”

Rather than using my authoritarian “no,” I give him a real, grown-up reason. I think he deserves to know why I say “no,” even if it’s just “I don’t like it and it’s too loud for me right now.”

How do you balance between sticking to boundaries and taking your child’s feelings and needs into consideration?

Why and How To Promote Independence in Your Child

Most people talk about all of the wonderful benefits of independence in young children, focusing on their increased self-esteem, fine motor control and sense of responsibility. But there are two sides to this one. The more your kids can do on their own, the better it is for you.

Every mother (and father) has been caught in a situation where two children need her attention at once. And sometimes, one’s screaming for a cup of water while the other one has a more serious emergency, resulting in your hands being wrist-deep in doo-doo. Not very sanitary for getting that cup of water for a while anyway. Unless…your older child can get the water. All by herself.

We ended up with some easy solutions around our house that have saved me from a meltdown more than once. Some of these solutions were intentional, and others have been purely accidental.

Self-Serve

Kids can handle some self-serve drinks and snacks. For instance, water. I have a big basket where I put re-usable plastics like little yogurt cups, cream cheese tubs, old water bottles, you know. It just so happens to be sitting right next to our water filter, which is basically a 5 gallon bucket with a plastic spigot. My son, due to the convenience, has really taken to grabbing a yogurt cup and getting water on his own. He used to be too small to reach, but just at the age where he no longer thinks its funny to throw water everywhere – oh who am I kidding, he still enjoys that sometimes – he had become just tall enough to be able to get water on his own. This was also conveniently at about the same time my daughter was born. One less thing for us to do for our son. Score!

Wash on Your Own

Our sink is another example. We use an easy step stool for our son to be able to access the sink and get water to wash up when he needs to. It’s so nice to know that he can take care of all of his bathroom and hand-washing needs on his own without our help.

Arts and Crafts

When little peanut wants to color, cut or draw, he doesn’t need to ask for help. All of his art supplies are at his level, ready to be used. He knows where he can color and how to use the scissors on his own. When he’s finished, well, that brings me to the next point…

Clean Up

I’m a firm believer in kids cleaning up after themselves without making a fuss. Accidents happen. Paints and juice spill, crumbs get dropped on the floor…no biggy. So when little peanut cuts up paper into tiny pieces all over the floor, he knows where to find a small broom and dustpan so that he can sweep up on his own. We keep a few rags and towels hanging on our oven door so that he can grab them to clean up spills. This is independence at its best. He knows how to handle mistakes and be responsible.

So yes, through practicing independence, he’s developing great skills – and setting a stellar example for his little sister, but he’s also helping us out. We’re always there to step in if there’s something he can’t handle, but it sure takes a load off our backs knowing he can handle so many things on his own. This is by no means an exhaustive list – there are many more things that little peanut can do all by himself. And I’m so glad he can, for his sake, and mine!

Why do you appreciate your child’s independence?

***Got a little TOO much independence going on? Learn how to hold your ground as a parent!

photo credit: NickNguyen Wash those hands! via Photopin License

What We Did for Fun Last Night

by Rachel Peachey

One of my weaknesses is arts and crafts. I enjoy the process of creation and making something fun. So, I do what every good mother does. I force it upon my kids. Just kidding – it’s not quite like that. But, it’s a point of connection that we do enjoy together. Lately, whenever I’m feeling disconnected, or like we need some quality mama-son time, I wrack my brains for something fun to create together.

My little peanut is three and a half and quite taken, okay, OBSESSED, with dinosaurs, lizards, snakes and all reptiles existing or extinct. So, we’ve collected quite a bunch of small model toys, dinosaur bone puzzles and models and all sorts of creatures that can be found all around the house. Sometimes I find a little dinosaur in the pila (our big concrete sink) and other times, I’ll admit, I step on them. Ouch! My poor sister in law got a scare the other day because she found a quite realistic rubber snake on the bed when she was here looking after the kids.

So, I decided to do a two for one. We’d keep our house slightly more organized and create a play space by making “homes” for these animals. First, we made a home complete with two volcanoes, and a standing tree for “Big Dinosaur Bones”. Peanut had quite a fun time helping to color and enthusiastically scribbled fire all over the sky. Very cool. That was a few nights ago.

Last night, we made a smaller space for a bunch of homeless reptiles. Peanut wanted them to have a swimming pool. So, we cut off the bottom of a carton of orange juice. We discovered, much to our delight, that we could color on it with crayons – so we drew some fish and colored it blue for the water. The reptiles have been alternating between bathing and drying in the sun since then! Who knew our little crafting activity would turn into a lesson about how cold-blooded animals live?

I love these open-ended crafting projects because there’s always something to be learned. If nothing else, little Peanut works on his fine motor skills and we have a great time connecting together. As a stay at home working mom, sometimes I worry that he’ll always think of me typing away on the computer, rushing to meet a deadline. I am pretty good about keeping my evenings open – but having a special mama-son project always makes these times even more precious.

What did you do for fun last night?