If I Shouldn’t Say “Good Job”, What Should I Say?

Our children want to show us everything they can do, from doing a crazy jump off the curb to tracing their letters, getting an “A” at school, completing a beautiful drawing and more. They want to be seen. And we want them to feel great! Unfortunately, too often, we get stuck in a rut of saying “good job!” which sounds great in the moment but can create problems if you use this popular phrase too often.

Saying “good job!” is a form of evaluative praise, which means children’s actions are judged as good or bad. This can be damaging to your children and even result in narcissism!

But, most people are so used to saying “good job!” or a similar form of extra positive “woohoo!” response to their kids that you may start to wonder…what should I say? Don’t worry, helpful answers are on the way.

The alternative to evaluative praise like “good job” is descriptive praise (learn more about it here!). The short version is that descriptive praise, well “describes” what your child has done rather than evaluating the action. This means when you’re 4-year-old says “Look at me! I can jump up to the sky!” you say “You’re right, you are jumping so high!” instead of “good job!”.

Yes, it’s hard to get in the habit of using it. After all, most of us grew up with parents, teachers and other family members who enjoyed praising our every move. For others, it’s the opposite. Maybe there was a lot of negativity growing up and now you’re making the effort to be extra positive with your kids, but don’t want to go overboard. The thing is, old habits are hard to break. So, I’ve come up with some guidelines for using descriptive praise and a list of alternatives to “good job” so that you’re no longer fumbling for what to say.

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Why “Good Job!” Doesn’t Cut It: A Montessori Perspective On Praise

First of all, who doesn’t say “good job!” to their kids? It’s a catch-all sort of praise that you can easily blurt out while you’re also skimming the news, chopping vegetables or peeking out of the bathroom to watch your child do some sort of jumpy twirly move that he’s obviously very proud of. Yet, praise can do so much more than prove that you’re watching what your child does. How?

Use Descriptive Praise

Rather than evaluating our children and defining their whole worth around one task or action, why not describe the positive behavior and encourage them? This is called descriptive praise.

A comparison of evaluative and descriptive praise helps clarify:

Evaluative Praise	Descriptive Praise
“Good boy!”	“Thank you for helping me. We finished cleaning quickly between the two of us.”
“What a fantastic drawing!”	“You worked very hard on that drawing. I like the colors you picked.”
“Good job!”	“Wow, I didn’t know you could hop on one foot. That takes a lot of balance!”

In the left hand column, evaluative praise is used. Here, you can see how the words determine whether the child has done something “good” or “bad.” There is judgement in these phrases. Especially with “good girl!” and “good boy!”, the child as a whole is evaluated for one single action.

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Story Retelling with Clifford {FREE PRINTABLE}

The Clifford books have got to be some of my favorite children’s books out there. Luckily, my son is also a fan. Norman Bridwell nailed it with the big red dog, his antics and constant efforts to do the right thing with a side of “oops!” These are great stories. If you haven’t read them with your child yet, I recommend you head to the library and check out a few. Then, you’ll be ready for story retelling with Clifford!

Story Retelling with Clifford

Because we enjoy so many Clifford stories at our house, it seemed like the perfect choice for story retelling work. This time, rather than paging through one of our Clifford books to retell the story like Peanut did with Swimmy, we made (drumroll)…..puppets!

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How and Why to Teach Story Retelling to Your Child

“Again, please!” says Peanut. “You want me to read Swimmy again?” I ask. “Yes, I like this book,” says Peanut. After about 5 times through, I’m kind of bored of Swimmy, although it is a fantastic book. I suck it up and start reading again. This time, I pause as I read, leaving space for Peanut to fill in the words, just testing to see how much he remembers. We’ve begun story retelling! Continue reading “How and Why to Teach Story Retelling to Your Child”

The Number One Best Writing Inspiration For Kids – FREE RESOURCE

“I don’t know what to write about!”

“I can’t think of any ideas!”

“I don’t wanna write a story!”

These are common complaints of elementary aged students who have been asked to write. They either have too many ideas and don’t know where to start or are completely uninspired.

Unfortunately, the best way to improve writing is by writing. So, if you’re a teacher or parent hoping to improve writing skills, you’ve got to get the kids to write.

As an elementary school teacher and at the library program I run, the best inspiration I’ve found by FAR are photo prompts. What better inspiration is there? At the very least, students can write a vivid description of what they see, which often leads them to other ideas that may turn into a story. Others are instantly on task, beginning a wild tale that begins with a quick look at a crazy photo. Here’s one of my favorites:

Image source

What child doesn’t want to write about waking up to a sink full of gummy bears?

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Dropper Painting: A FUN Preschool Activity

What’s more fun than painting? Dropper painting. If your little one has already become a pro at using a paintbrush, why not add in another interesting element? There are many ways to paint, and one that we just discovered at our house is dropper painting.

Most mothers with young children have accrued a fairly large quantity of medicine droppers. We have loads! So, I thought rather than tossing them, we’d have fun painting with them. Below is everything you need to know about dropper painting:

Materials

Droppers, one for each color of paint
Tempera paints
Old containers, I used yogurt cups
Paper, I recommend using a fairly sturdy option – ours was too thin and got a bit wrinkled when it dried!

For each color, mix a tiny little bit of water with the paint so it’s slightly more runny than usual. This makes it easier to draw it up into the dropper.

Teach It!

As a Montessorian, I always teach by example. I showed my little peanut how to get paint with the dropper and drip it onto the page. After one demonstration, he was off and running! The only tricky part seemed to be getting the paint into the dropper. So, I reinforced by telling him to “squeeze” and “let go” with the dropper still in the paint.

What Benefits Are Gained with Dropper Painting?

Your child will develop his or her pincer grip
Your child can learn about color mixing
Your child will enjoy expressing themselves artistically

Pincer what? The pincer grip is the grip we use to hold a pen or pencil. Young children must develop their fine motor skills to be able to execute this grip. Any activities that practice this grip (using the pointer finger, middle finger and thumb) help strengthen your child’s muscles, preparing them to have more control as they begin writing and drawing.

My little peanut used yellow and blue. Towards the end of the activity, he began experimenting with mixing. Now, we’ve done this before, so I got comments like “Lets see what color it makes when we mix blue and yellow!” and then “Look, Mama it’s green!” Children almost always enjoy color mixing I find!

So, what are you waiting for? Get out those old medicine droppers, some paint and make some art!

Here’s my peanut having fun with this activity:

How to Teach Your Child the ABCs and a FREE ABC Book

My little peanut has shown quite a bit of interest in learning his letters at the age of 3 and a half. We’ve pursued his interest by using Nell, which is actually a great app for little ones. I helped create the Montessori based curriculum that the app uses. With this app, Peanut learned the letters in his name and a few others.

We haven’t been very regular about practicing, and I’ve been working more lately so there’s been less time to focus on activities with him. When we do spend time together that doesn’t involve eating, doing chores or going to bed, we usually read books or do a craft.

But, that’s changing because we’re setting aside at least 10 minutes each day to work on his ABC book. What’s an ABC book?

Basically, it’s a book with one page for each letter of the alphabet. On each page, your child can practice tracing the letter. There’s also space for cut-outs or drawings of words that begin with that letter sound.

You can see below I helped peanut draw a monkey and he drew a very faint moon, the circle on the right-hand side of the page. Here you can see he’s starting to trace the “m”s. Yes, he’s a lefty! And that pincer grip is looking pretty good I must say. Go peanut!

Here are some of the important things to know when working on an alphabet book:

Use Phonics

Children learn letters most easily by teaching phonetic sounds. That means instead of teaching letter names like “A” as in play, letter sounds are taught. So the “a” would be taught “aaaa” as in apple.

Each time you get out a new page, look at the letter together. Say the sound. Ask your child to repeat the sound. Then, get started thinking of words that begin with that sound and draw together or look for pictures in a magazine to cut out.

Take Your Time

Don’t expect your little one to learn a new letter every day. You should mix in other letter activities to reinforce each letter. We enjoy drawing with sidewalk chalk, using cardboard letters and using the app, Nell, to practice. There are so many ways to practice! I’ll be posting some more ideas soon.

What Order?

The Montessori curriculum recommends teaching in an order that helps children notice differences between letters. In the traditional alphabet, the letters “b” and “d” are very close together. Also, children aren’t able to form words quickly using this order.

So, I recommend teaching in this order:

a, s, m, e, t, c, o, p, u, d, f, j, g, l, b, i, n, w, r, h, y, q, z, k, v, x

This way, children can quickly form words such as “sam, sat, met, set, mat, cat” within learning 5 or 6 letters. That’s great!

**Note** The book I’ve included goes in alphabetical order, so feel free to print out and mix them up according to the order you prefer.

Some people also choose to begin by teaching a child the letters in their name.

What Font?

I chose basic print for our book. Also notice that I’ve only focused on lowercase. In the Montessori curriculum, children learn lowercase first because the majority of what we read is written with lowercase letters. Learning lowercase is the most efficient way to start to read.

Get Your FREE ABC Book

I made a quick and easy abc book using a great worksheet creator. For our book, I included lots of animals because that’s what peanut likes the best! For other children, consider making changes to tailor to their interests. For example, change the “tiger” to “truck” or “tree”. Just be careful with the vowels because pronunciation of these letters is very important. For example, the letter “i” needs to be the sound you hear when saying “igloo” not “ice”. After learning phonics, kids pick up reading pretty quickly!

Get your FREE copy of our ABC book here!

Happy learning!

The 3 Golden Rules for Saying “No” to Your Child

So many parents struggle with setting limits. The simple act of saying “no” can seem exhausting because you must usually repeat it about 50 gazillion times. And then there’s the not listening. Here are my three golden rules for how to say “no” and mean it:

1. Don’t Say “No”

Counter-intuitive right? I’m not kidding though. The funny thing is that the youngest of children seem to hear “yes” when you say “no”. And it isn’t because their hearing is off.

For this reason, Dr. Maria Montessori believed that positive language should be used when talking to children. If you’re wondering what that means, basically it means saying “Walk, please” instead of “Don’t run!” So, you’re still saying “no”, but they’re not hearing the “run” part which is exactly what they’ll want to keep doing.

2. Set a Limit You’ll Keep

Lately with my little peanut, our limit is counting to 10. He’s got 10 seconds to take care of the problem on his own, or I’ll help him do it. Examples?

“Play gently with your sister…or I’ll help you play somewhere else.” Whack! There goes the stuffed animal again right in her face. “Ten seconds, pumpkin or we’ll move somewhere else.”
“Put the riding toy away now, it’s too loud.” He continues to ride. “You have 10 seconds to put it away by yourself or I will help you…1…2…3…”

Obviously counting to 10 doesn’t work for everything. So, I often use another strategy that equally sets a limit. For this one, it’s often due to a case of whiny “if I continue to badger mama she’ll eventually give in and it’s because I really want some candy or ice cream and I’m probably a little bit tired so I can’t think of anything else to do and I wanna whiiiiiiine.” Sound familiar? For THOSE situations I break out this fantastic answer:

“I’m all done answering that question. You heard me.”

Then, I zip it and don’t respond to the issue anymore. If peanut has a fit after that, it’s up to him.

Following a fit or tantrum, I try to connect with him in a positive way. For example, find something to laugh about together, offer to read a book or do some art.

Now, the secret to this second limit-setting rule is that you HAVE to keep your promise. So, a consequence of throwing your kid out the window, not an option. But, if you threaten to remove TV privileges, you’d better follow through.

However, the best options are directly related to the behavior. With young children, you can often gently help them comply. With older children, sometimes a fair warning about potential natural consequences, and then letting these happen, is the best medicine. For example, not helping with laundry could result in running out of clothes to wear. Or, having a messy room could result in losing things.

3. Say Why

Kids want to know why. Although they might not agree with you in the moment, knowing why you’re saying “no” can help them learn. Perhaps you’re saying “no” because what your child is doing isn’t safe. Or, perhaps it isn’t healthy. Explaining why the answer is “no” can sometimes help.

These are my golden rules for saying “no”, or getting that message across anyway, to my kids. What are yours?

Need more ideas on how to hold your ground? Read my post about how to avoid undermining yourself as a parent.

Photo Credit: photo “I’m seeing you!” via photopin license

Books, books, books

by Rachel Peachey

Our library is growing! In late January of this year, I embarked on a project without much to go on besides personal interest and the hopes that someday there will be a real, big functioning library in the town where we live.

The small town in Guatemala where we live has a lovely, bustling market full of fruits vegetables and just about anything you can imagine, except books. I quickly realized upon arriving here that books simply aren’t a part of the local culture. No bookshelves are to be found in anyone’s house. Children don’t enjoy picture books before bedtime. The most commonly found item for reading is the newspaper, and even that is usually only found in businesses like barber’s shops and doctor’s offices where you have to wait for service.

Since making this realization, I have dreamed of opening a bookshop or library to give reading and books more presence in the community. Six years after moving here, my husband gave me a kick in the butt and told me to get started! I talked to the local priest about using space at the church for a library for children. Happily, he had the same dream! Now, we work with a group of young adult volunteers to provide a library program 3 days a week.

To give you an idea, we started with about 30 books. That’s it. A library of 30 books, you ask? Well, you have to start somewhere. Books are expensive in this economy, so we started with cheap paperback picture books. Through donations from family members and friends here and abroad, we’ve grown to include nearly 300 books and a fairly large bookshelf. Children enjoy doing puzzles, drawing and most of all, reading and being read to.

We hope to grow much bigger to expand our audience and include books for adolescents and adults as well. Once we get big enough, we’ll begin lending the books out to community members. At this point, users read on site and enjoy organized activities.

It’s been an amazing journey so far and I can’t wait to see how it continues to develop.