How to Make Positive Reinforcement Helpful: A Montessori Perspective

Positive reinforcement is a popular parenting technique. Basically it means parents and caregivers praise good behavior. This way, children are motivated to continue their good behavior due to the positive attention they’ve received. Positive reinforcement can also include sticker charts and other similar incentives. All sounds good, right?

Yes and no.

Positive reinforcement can be very helpful for children. It can help them learn that good behavior is appreciated and that their efforts pay off. But, it can also turn into a big happy praise fest that teaches your child that they are the BEST, in the worst cases resulting in narcissism.

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How to Stop Hitting, Biting, Kicking and Throwing: Practical Techniques for Teaching Little Ones How to Handle BIG Feelings

First of all, relax. If you want to know how to stop hitting, biting, kicking, etc. you’re on the right track.

Second of all, it’s highly likely your precious little one WILL stop hitting, biting, kicking and throwing soon. As a very wise school counselor once pointed out to me, “How many adults do you know that hit and bite?” So, yes, there will be an end to this.

Third, know you’re not alone. All experts seem to agree that hitting and biting are common in young children. Although it can be tiring and frustrating to deal with, it is relatively normal.

But…there’s always a but…

What will also happen is that your child will learn other coping mechanisms for dealing with big feelings. One big factor that will help your child leave these behaviors behind is improvement in their ability to communicate. Language is often a point of frustration for little ones who can’t say what they feel or what they want. As language skills improve, so does behavior.

It’s also likely that your child will adopt a coping mechanism learned from you or other influential adults in their life. Some common coping mechanisms for big feelings such as anger, fear and frustration include:

Bottling it up (which can often result in a tummy-ache, stress, headaches, etc.)
Aggressive behaviors such as yelling
Positive outlets for feelings such as taking deep breathes, exercising, etc.

I think most people would opt for teaching their child positive outlets for anger, fear and frustration, but maybe you’re not sure how to do this. Luckily, teaching these techniques goes hand in hand with eliminating hitting, biting, kicking and throwing things.

Now, let’s discuss those techniques for teaching your little one how to stop hitting and handle strong feelings:

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I’m an Author! Montessori At Home Guide: Self-Care For 2-6 Year Olds

The book’s been out for awhile, but I’ve finally gotten around to sharing it here! Sterling Productions approached me to write this ebook on self-care for 2-6-year olds and I was thrilled to accept the opportunity.

This is a short, basic guide to help parents show their children the way in learning self-care. Through self-care, independence is encouraged and children learn to take care of many basic tasks on their own. The lessons cover everything from hygiene and dressing to eating, safety and manners. The book is structured in a user-friendly way so that you can pinpoint exactly what you’re looking to teach and find some creative, helpful, Montessori inspired ideas for working with your little one.

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How to Follow Your Child, Even When It’s Tough: Montessori Parenting Techniques

Children always show adults what they need. Their natural curiosity and interests lead them to engage in activities that help them learn and grow. Even in misbehavior and acting out, children communicate what they need. It is our job as parents to observe, analyze and follow our children to meet their needs and help them grow.

Montessori on Following the Child

Many parents would love to better understand their children. Following the child is a great way to do this. However, this pillar of Montessori education is often misinterpreted. People think the child is in charge and allowed to do whatever they want. It’s a bit more complex. Let’s take a look.

Montessori said:

Respect all the reasonable forms of activity in which the child engages and try to understand them.

Take baby girl for example. She’s 14 months old and likes to go to the bathroom with me. I allow her to so that she gets used to the idea, and she always tries to put her hands in the toilet. Rather than scolding her, I try to understand her. This is a way to follow her. I search for meaning in her actions. She’s clearly interested in learning about water and the sensory experience it gives her. So, without allowing her to play in the toilet, I offer her an opportunity to play with water outside the bathroom. I set a limit and offer an alternative to fulfill her needs.

Simple enough…but what about those more difficult behaviors?

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If I Shouldn’t Say “Good Job”, What Should I Say?

Our children want to show us everything they can do, from doing a crazy jump off the curb to tracing their letters, getting an “A” at school, completing a beautiful drawing and more. They want to be seen. And we want them to feel great! Unfortunately, too often, we get stuck in a rut of saying “good job!” which sounds great in the moment but can create problems if you use this popular phrase too often.

Saying “good job!” is a form of evaluative praise, which means children’s actions are judged as good or bad. This can be damaging to your children and even result in narcissism!

But, most people are so used to saying “good job!” or a similar form of extra positive “woohoo!” response to their kids that you may start to wonder…what should I say? Don’t worry, helpful answers are on the way.

The alternative to evaluative praise like “good job” is descriptive praise (learn more about it here!). The short version is that descriptive praise, well “describes” what your child has done rather than evaluating the action. This means when you’re 4-year-old says “Look at me! I can jump up to the sky!” you say “You’re right, you are jumping so high!” instead of “good job!”.

Yes, it’s hard to get in the habit of using it. After all, most of us grew up with parents, teachers and other family members who enjoyed praising our every move. For others, it’s the opposite. Maybe there was a lot of negativity growing up and now you’re making the effort to be extra positive with your kids, but don’t want to go overboard. The thing is, old habits are hard to break. So, I’ve come up with some guidelines for using descriptive praise and a list of alternatives to “good job” so that you’re no longer fumbling for what to say.

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Why “Good Job!” Doesn’t Cut It: A Montessori Perspective On Praise

First of all, who doesn’t say “good job!” to their kids? It’s a catch-all sort of praise that you can easily blurt out while you’re also skimming the news, chopping vegetables or peeking out of the bathroom to watch your child do some sort of jumpy twirly move that he’s obviously very proud of. Yet, praise can do so much more than prove that you’re watching what your child does. How?

Use Descriptive Praise

Rather than evaluating our children and defining their whole worth around one task or action, why not describe the positive behavior and encourage them? This is called descriptive praise.

A comparison of evaluative and descriptive praise helps clarify:

Evaluative Praise	Descriptive Praise
“Good boy!”	“Thank you for helping me. We finished cleaning quickly between the two of us.”
“What a fantastic drawing!”	“You worked very hard on that drawing. I like the colors you picked.”
“Good job!”	“Wow, I didn’t know you could hop on one foot. That takes a lot of balance!”

In the left hand column, evaluative praise is used. Here, you can see how the words determine whether the child has done something “good” or “bad.” There is judgement in these phrases. Especially with “good girl!” and “good boy!”, the child as a whole is evaluated for one single action.

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Guaranteed No Tears At Mealtime

“Ok hunny, I’ll pop some chicken nuggets in the toaster for you,” said none of our great-grandparents ever.

Don’t you think some of the troubles little ones have with eating and mealtime are really due to society’s recent trend towards using processed foods? The convenience of popping some chicken nuggets in the microwave or grabbing some crackers for the toddler is a relatively new reality. And no parent wants to see their child go hungry, so it’s no wonder our children demand an alternative to lentil stew. We give in because we can. There are easy alternatives calling from the kitchen “hellooooo…anyone want some crackers?”

But, by giving in and allowing these alternatives, we’re creating picky eaters that are on a path towards leading an unhealthy lifestyle.

So, how, you ask, do you avoid the tears at mealtime? How do you navigate the refusal to try a bite of green beans?

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How to Teach Your Child the ABCs and a FREE ABC Book

My little peanut has shown quite a bit of interest in learning his letters at the age of 3 and a half. We’ve pursued his interest by using Nell, which is actually a great app for little ones. I helped create the Montessori based curriculum that the app uses. With this app, Peanut learned the letters in his name and a few others.

We haven’t been very regular about practicing, and I’ve been working more lately so there’s been less time to focus on activities with him. When we do spend time together that doesn’t involve eating, doing chores or going to bed, we usually read books or do a craft.

But, that’s changing because we’re setting aside at least 10 minutes each day to work on his ABC book. What’s an ABC book?

Basically, it’s a book with one page for each letter of the alphabet. On each page, your child can practice tracing the letter. There’s also space for cut-outs or drawings of words that begin with that letter sound.

You can see below I helped peanut draw a monkey and he drew a very faint moon, the circle on the right-hand side of the page. Here you can see he’s starting to trace the “m”s. Yes, he’s a lefty! And that pincer grip is looking pretty good I must say. Go peanut!

Here are some of the important things to know when working on an alphabet book:

Use Phonics

Children learn letters most easily by teaching phonetic sounds. That means instead of teaching letter names like “A” as in play, letter sounds are taught. So the “a” would be taught “aaaa” as in apple.

Each time you get out a new page, look at the letter together. Say the sound. Ask your child to repeat the sound. Then, get started thinking of words that begin with that sound and draw together or look for pictures in a magazine to cut out.

Take Your Time

Don’t expect your little one to learn a new letter every day. You should mix in other letter activities to reinforce each letter. We enjoy drawing with sidewalk chalk, using cardboard letters and using the app, Nell, to practice. There are so many ways to practice! I’ll be posting some more ideas soon.

What Order?

The Montessori curriculum recommends teaching in an order that helps children notice differences between letters. In the traditional alphabet, the letters “b” and “d” are very close together. Also, children aren’t able to form words quickly using this order.

So, I recommend teaching in this order:

a, s, m, e, t, c, o, p, u, d, f, j, g, l, b, i, n, w, r, h, y, q, z, k, v, x

This way, children can quickly form words such as “sam, sat, met, set, mat, cat” within learning 5 or 6 letters. That’s great!

**Note** The book I’ve included goes in alphabetical order, so feel free to print out and mix them up according to the order you prefer.

Some people also choose to begin by teaching a child the letters in their name.

What Font?

I chose basic print for our book. Also notice that I’ve only focused on lowercase. In the Montessori curriculum, children learn lowercase first because the majority of what we read is written with lowercase letters. Learning lowercase is the most efficient way to start to read.

Get Your FREE ABC Book

I made a quick and easy abc book using a great worksheet creator. For our book, I included lots of animals because that’s what peanut likes the best! For other children, consider making changes to tailor to their interests. For example, change the “tiger” to “truck” or “tree”. Just be careful with the vowels because pronunciation of these letters is very important. For example, the letter “i” needs to be the sound you hear when saying “igloo” not “ice”. After learning phonics, kids pick up reading pretty quickly!

Get your FREE copy of our ABC book here!

Happy learning!

The 3 Golden Rules for Saying “No” to Your Child

So many parents struggle with setting limits. The simple act of saying “no” can seem exhausting because you must usually repeat it about 50 gazillion times. And then there’s the not listening. Here are my three golden rules for how to say “no” and mean it:

1. Don’t Say “No”

Counter-intuitive right? I’m not kidding though. The funny thing is that the youngest of children seem to hear “yes” when you say “no”. And it isn’t because their hearing is off.

For this reason, Dr. Maria Montessori believed that positive language should be used when talking to children. If you’re wondering what that means, basically it means saying “Walk, please” instead of “Don’t run!” So, you’re still saying “no”, but they’re not hearing the “run” part which is exactly what they’ll want to keep doing.

2. Set a Limit You’ll Keep

Lately with my little peanut, our limit is counting to 10. He’s got 10 seconds to take care of the problem on his own, or I’ll help him do it. Examples?

“Play gently with your sister…or I’ll help you play somewhere else.” Whack! There goes the stuffed animal again right in her face. “Ten seconds, pumpkin or we’ll move somewhere else.”
“Put the riding toy away now, it’s too loud.” He continues to ride. “You have 10 seconds to put it away by yourself or I will help you…1…2…3…”

Obviously counting to 10 doesn’t work for everything. So, I often use another strategy that equally sets a limit. For this one, it’s often due to a case of whiny “if I continue to badger mama she’ll eventually give in and it’s because I really want some candy or ice cream and I’m probably a little bit tired so I can’t think of anything else to do and I wanna whiiiiiiine.” Sound familiar? For THOSE situations I break out this fantastic answer:

“I’m all done answering that question. You heard me.”

Then, I zip it and don’t respond to the issue anymore. If peanut has a fit after that, it’s up to him.

Following a fit or tantrum, I try to connect with him in a positive way. For example, find something to laugh about together, offer to read a book or do some art.

Now, the secret to this second limit-setting rule is that you HAVE to keep your promise. So, a consequence of throwing your kid out the window, not an option. But, if you threaten to remove TV privileges, you’d better follow through.

However, the best options are directly related to the behavior. With young children, you can often gently help them comply. With older children, sometimes a fair warning about potential natural consequences, and then letting these happen, is the best medicine. For example, not helping with laundry could result in running out of clothes to wear. Or, having a messy room could result in losing things.

3. Say Why

Kids want to know why. Although they might not agree with you in the moment, knowing why you’re saying “no” can help them learn. Perhaps you’re saying “no” because what your child is doing isn’t safe. Or, perhaps it isn’t healthy. Explaining why the answer is “no” can sometimes help.

These are my golden rules for saying “no”, or getting that message across anyway, to my kids. What are yours?

Need more ideas on how to hold your ground? Read my post about how to avoid undermining yourself as a parent.

Photo Credit: photo “I’m seeing you!” via photopin license

Are You Undermining Yourself as a Parent?

“Peanut, time to stop watching videos!”

“No, not yet”

“Yes, finish that one and you’re done.”

A few minutes later…”Peanut, it’s done now, come on.”

It’s like the rumbling of a volcano that’s about to erupt and before I know it I’m grabbing the smartphone from the clutches of a furious green monster who also happens to be my little angel.

Most parents know this story. But, had I let him continue watching, I would be in much worse shape. He would always pull out the furious green monster on me, wondering if it would work to get anything he wants. Thankfully, that’s not the case.

How often are we convinced and manipulated by our kids’ whining insistence? I notice that it happens to a lot of parents and I’m guilty of it at times. When we do this, we undermine ourselves as parents. Giving in without undergoing a negotiation process means that our kids know our weak points and push outside the limits we’ve set for them. And they’re kids, they’ll keep pushing to find out where the boundaries are.

Don’t undermine yourself. Stick to your word. It will make each subsequent experience much, much easier! This doesn’t mean you have to have a totalitarian dictatorship in your home.

There’s a fine line between fair negotiations, where you take into account your child’s feelings and ideas, and permissiveness where you allow your child to run free with absolutely no boundaries. I personally think negotiating is great. It teaches communication and gives you a great opportunity to model empathy.

Here are some rules that help me walk the line between fair negotiations and permissiveness:

1. Ask Nicely

Kids can learn to ask for things nicely. If little Peanut doesn’t say “please” and use a reasonable tone of voice, there’s no negotiating. I do my best to speak respectfully to him, why shouldn’t I expect him to do the same with me? Of course, you have to be careful not to fall into the trap of saying “yes” to everything that’s requested nicely – it’s simply not possible. But, for the most part, “please” and a nice tone of voice can change my mind about coming to an agreement.

2. Is This Round 2?

Have Peanut and I already made an agreement? If so, I stick to it. In the example of watching videos, if we’ve agreed on one more, and after that one he wants to negotiate another one, it’s a no go. Holding my word is important to me – it makes things predictable and he knows that I mean what I say. Otherwise, he’ll constantly be second guessing. So, there’s only one round of negotiating for any request.

3. Is it Safe?

It’s easier to explain your answers when you have a good reason to support them.

“Can I have ice cream for breakfast?”

“No, it’s not good for your body to have only ice cream for breakfast. Let’s have some eggs and toast, and later we’ll have some ice cream.”

Although my 3-year-old may not appreciate it now, it will eventually sink in that health is important. Or,

“Can I watch movies all day?”

“No, it’s ok to watch videos sometimes, but it’s bad for your brain and body to do that all day.”

Rather than using my authoritarian “no,” I give him a real, grown-up reason. I think he deserves to know why I say “no,” even if it’s just “I don’t like it and it’s too loud for me right now.”

How do you balance between sticking to boundaries and taking your child’s feelings and needs into consideration?